Puzzlement in Piter

I am slowly convincing myself that I have multiple-personality disorder. There’s a Russian-me and English-me. Whilst in English I can talk for England (yes, I wrote it), in Russian I’m so tragically silent.

Being unable to voice your thoughts because you can’t translate them is extremely frustrating and also rather depressing. It is as though your brain is waging war against you, finally having been given the chance to control what’s in your head and what comes out of your mouth.

This, apart from being creatively stifling, also brings with it a huge amount of guilt. Maybe it’s just me, but I feel as though I’m lying to all my Russian friends by not saying things I might otherwise have said in English. Let’s not be under the assumption any of these things are important or profound, for that would definitely be lying. But, they are thoughts that I would consider perfectly acceptable to voice and are indicative of my character. Am I, therefore, lying by omission?

Further to this point, I’m far shyer in Russian than in English because of the language barrier.  If I don’t know exactly how to translate something, I won’t say it. This is from experience; What is initially intended to be a flippant comment can spark whole hours of discussion as you desperately try to explain exactly what you meant or the way in which the comment was meant to be interpreted. By the end of the discussion both parties are left in a state of confusion, awkwardness and the original subject of conversation has been long forgotten. This. Is. Exhausting.

So perhaps, such tacit behaviour in Russian is a mixture of both inability and laziness.

Or, put in a way with which I am comfortable; It is a mélange of being a language student and supporting social harmony. I mean, God forbid I have a flaw in my personalities.